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Da Vinci Code condensed film

Those of you who enjoyed my Drown Ban, Not Chav deicide, or The Mongo code or Ward Bonn’s Digital Citadel may also like to read Scaryduck’s Condensed Films: The Da Vinci Code. Excerpt:

A. Tatou: Listen very carefully I will say zis only once. Les Cops r stitching u up for ze murder of my grandfather.
T. Hanks: ONOZ!
A. Tatou: Also, he has ‘ad you bugged. With a bug. FFS.
T. Hanks: ONOZ! Luckily, I have thrown teh bug out of teh window, so Les Cops think I have escaped. Now to spend several hours wondering around a murder scene surrounded by Europe’s most expensive art works, where there appears to be no security whatsoever.

More on the condensed films

Digital Citadel

Those of you who enjoyed my Drown Ban, Not Chav deicide, or The Mongo code may also like to read Digital Citadel by Ward Bonn (sent to me my sil). The opening line should give you an idea:

The shadow creeped across the cryptographer’s face as the sun rose. As the shadow reached his nose, he clicked twice on his e-mail program, which had been written by a shadowy group in another country in order to serve as a plot device.

To be fair I haven’t read Digital Fortress although it seems similar enough to The Da Dan Vinci Code that I don’t feel the need to.

Dan Brown Book Generator

Toby Inkster has created a Create Your Own Dan Brown Novel programme. Use your browser’s ‘Reload’ button to create another novel, each one as original and well thought out as a real Dan Brown best-seller. Via Velcro City Tourist Board).

Drown Ban, Not Chav deicide, or The Mongo code

Chapter 1

The eminent and very French Inspector Gordon Flache eyed the eminent Harvard popularculturologist suspiciously, “Do you know what it means?”.

Chapter 2

Obertray Angdonlay, the eminent and needlessly American expert on popular culture, who had once written a book, looked grimly at the corpse on the floor. Inspector Flache had asked him, eminently, what it meant.

The eminent librarian, M.T. Merciless lay on the floor of the eminent library, the point of a spaceship through his heart. Dead. In the dust on the floor was a picture of an enormous phallus below which he had managed to write the two lines:

O, the Divine ACDC

“Hmm” said the eminent Mr Angdonlay, “a Drawn Nob, an apparent tribute to a heavy metal band and a bunch of R’s. What can it mean?”.

“If I may help”, said a female, and eminent sounding voice behind them, “it looks like writing. I would say Roman script.The first inscription is almost certainly in English.” Dale Arden was an eminent police linguistics expert and eminently eminent. She was 25, had six warts on her nose, an enormous chin, and a pronounced limp. “I need to talk to you” she said to Obertray. She winked and motioned her head towards the library’s eminent convenience. Inspector Flache, being French, missed this subtle sign.

Chapter 3

“You are in eminent danger”, said Dale when they were away from the eminent detective.

“You eminently are!” said a voice. It was Hans Zarkov, formerly of NASA, who appeared at the door pointing a pistol at Angdonlay. “I seek the Crock of Shite. Give it to me!”

“Look! The Goodyear Blimp!” exclaimed Arden, pointing out the frosted glass window. As Zarkov looked up, Angdonlay and Arden ran past the eminent former Royal Crockologist and made for the ladies’ where Dale knew Dr Zarkov, a British gentleman, would not follow.

Chapter 4

Angdonlay and Arden ran into the ladies, where Dale knew Dr Zarkov, a British gentleman, would not follow.

“But what does it mean?” demanded Angdonlay.

“Nothing”, said Dale, “you have to read 600 pages of the Book only to find out the Crock is a warm fluffy feeling.”

“A bit like bunny rabbits?”

“Very much so.”