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Photos of me

I expect most readers of this blog are desperate to know what I really look like. The photo at the top of this blog doesn’t really give a good image so I put some better pictures on Flickr, the most representative of which is below:

Orangeaurochs

Orangeaurochs

The caption reads:

Marble figure of a recumbent bull

Probably made in Athens about 400-350 BC. Perhaps from Kerameikos, Athens.

The bull may have served as a grave marker; it is likely that it was designed to be set on a high base and so seen only from below and from the front.

According to Wikipedia, Kerameikos is an area of Athens famous for its potters (the name is related to our word ceramic) as well being the site of a significant cemetery. Presumably the recumbent bull did some service there.

Revamped cow pages on aurochs.org

I have overhauled the cow pages on aurochs.org. They now look nice and cow-like in the same style as the cow games page, which looks a bit like this page too. In particular, there is a new cow jokes page, based largely on the cow Christmas cracker jokes post I did on this weblog just before Christmas, and a revamped cow songs and poems page. The list of cow pages is now as follows:

  • Cow games: a list of cow-themed games playable on the web.
  • Famous cows: a list of famous cows of myth, legend, history, and culture.
  • Cow jokes: a collection of cow jokes.
  • Cow songs and poems: a list of cow songs and poems.
  • Breeds of cow: information about breeds of cows and links to further information.

I am always interested to hear of new entries for any of these pages, but particularly for the latter, which is still quite short, although I am being picky: I would like poems or songs where the mention of cows is not incidental, which are preferably classic or by classic authors, and which are not simply doggerel (cowwerel?) for children. There isn’t a lot, as far as I can see.

Cow Christmas cracker jokes

As an addendum to yesterday’s post, here are some cow Christmas cracker jokes, of which there are many. Based on a trawl of the web, I think it is fairly authoritative. I can’t guaratee they have actually come from a Christmas cracker: some of them are just clearly short jokes, but I think they are worth including, if nothing else to kickstart the sad barely started list of cow jokes elsewhere on this site. I have given the source of each joke, at least where I first found it. I have, however, performed minor editing on them to standardize the formatting, tidy up punctuation, correct spelling, and so on. I did think about putting them in some kind of meaningful order, but they are instead in the order I came across them. I would, of course, be interested to hear any more you have to offer.

The last joke is a little intellectual: I have put a link to Wikipedia next to it which might help elucidate it for those of us without a head for physics.

Two cows stand in a field.
First cow: Are you worried about this Mad Cow Disease thats going round?
Second cow: Not really, I’m a chicken.
Source: PC Pro Interactive Forums

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get to the other side
Q: Why did the cow cross the road?
A: To get to the other side
Q: Why did the sheep cross the road?
A: To get to the other side
Q: Why did the farmer cross the road?
A: To get his animals back
Source: PC Pro Interactive Forums

Q: What do you get when you sit under a cow?
A: A pat on the head.
Source: Ice In Space Forums

Q: Why did the cow jump over the moon?
A: Because the farmer had cold hands.
Source: Ice In Space Forums

Q: When do you know it is time for the cows to go to sleep?
A: When it is pasture bedtime.
Source: Ice In Space Forums

Q: Why do cows lie down in the rain?
A: To keep each udder dry.
Source: Pure FM Forums

Q: What goes boo boo boo?
A: cow with a blocked nose.
Source: Digital Spy Forums

Q: What goes ‘oooooooooooooooh!’?
A: A cow with no lips.
Source: The CommanderBond.net Forums

Q: What do you get from a pampered cow?
A: Spoiled milk.
Source: JokeEmail.com

Q: What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A: Anyone can roast beef.
Source: JokeEmail.com

Q: Why did the cow ring its bell?
A: Because it’s horn didn’t work!!
Source: Wrexham Today Forums

Q: What do you get when you put a cow on a trampoline?
A: A milk shake.
Source: Some Christmas Cracker Jokes compiled by Owen Williams

Q: Where do cows go for a night out?
A: To the Mooooo-vies
Source: CPFC BBS Forums

Q: How do cows subtract?
A: With a cow-culator
Source: CPFC BBS Forums

Q: Where do cows go on holiday?
A: Moo York!
Source: Gamestyle Forum

Q: What do you get if you cross a cow, sheep, and a goat?
A: The milky baa kid!!!
Source: Natasha Bedingfield Forum

Q: What goes oom oom?
A: A cow walking backwards.
Source: CharlotteChurch.net Forums

Q: What game do cows play at parties?
A: Moosical chairs.
Source: CharlotteChurch.net Forums

Q: What do you get when you cross a cow with a duck?
A: Milk and quackers.
Source: CharlotteChurch.net Forums

Q: How do cows move house?
A: They call the Mooooovers.
Source: Gush Forums

Q: Why did the milking stool have only two legs?
A: Because the cow had the udder one.
Source: Christmas Cracker Jokes compiled by John Dubery.

Man in butcher’s shop: I bet you five quid you can’t reach the beef of that top shelf.
Butcher: No, the steaks are too high
Source: BBC Radio Lancashire (Google cached version)

Q: Why was the butcher worried?
A: His job was at steak!
Source: Observer Magazine

Q: What did the great explorer eat in the jungle?
A: Steak and pygmy pie.
Source: H2G2

First man: Do you want a game of Darts?
Second man: OK then.
First man:Nearest to bull starts.
Second man: Baa.
First man: Moo.
Second man: You’re closest!
Source: Zedge

Q: What do you call a tiny cow?
A: A Moo-on. *
Source: BioWare Forums

Lastly, I forgot to say happy new year yesterday, so merry Christmas and a happy new year!

Queen of cheese

To us it is a glorious theme
To sing of milk and curds and cream

While cataloguing some poetry books I came across a book called Pegasus descending : a book of the best bad verse / edited with notes and an introductory dialogue by James Camp, X.J. Kennedy and Keith Waldrop. In it is a superb poem, written in Canada in the 19th century by James McIntyre, called Queen of cheese. It was written about a prize 4 ton cheese made in Ingersoll, Canada, which later went on a tour of Toronto, New York, and Britain. The third stanza particularly appealed to me:

Cows numerous as a swarm of bees
Or as the leaves upon the trees
It did require to make thee please
And stand unrivaled, queen of cheese.

Now that’s poetry! McIntyre became known as the Cheese Poet. Wikipedia quotes one of his other poems about cheese in Canada called Oxford Cheese Ode:

The ancient poets ne’er did dream
That Canada was land of cream,
They ne’er imagined it could flow
In this cold land of ice and snow,
Where everything did solid freeze
They ne’er hoped or looked for cheese.

Interestingly, the last stanza of the Oxford Cheese Ode also re-uses the comparison of many cows to a swarm of bees:

Cows numerous as swarm of bees
Are milked in Oxford to make cheese.

If you want to read more, which I am sure you do, Poemhunter has the full text of James McIntyre’s poems, including the two above, although beware of pop-ups, even with Firefox with the pop-up blocker on.